Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all, sang Whitney Houston in 1986. That sentiment struck a chord with listeners, and helped send the song to the top of the US charts.
But what does it mean when you love yourself? And is self-love really 'the greatest love of all'? The Greek philosopher Aristotle tackled these questions more than 2,000 years ago. His answers are profound, challenging - and still relevant today.
Being your own best friend
Readers who followed my recent series on love will know that Aristotle had a lot to say about friendship. But they may be surprised to learn that Aristotle considered self-love to be the foundation on which all friendships are built.
Being someone's friend means wishing them well, doing good things for them and sharing their sorrows and joys. But these things apply doubly to ourselves. We wish ourselves well, do good things for ourselves, and take a passionate interest in our own sorrows and joys.
According to Aristotle, self-love comes prior to friendship with others. First we love ourselves, and then we love those other 'selves' - our friends. In fact, we cannot be a friend to others without first being a friend to ourselves.
This might explain why people with low self-esteem find it difficult to enjoy satisfying relationships. 'All the feelings that constitute friendship for others,' said Aristotle, 'are an extension of regard for self.'
When self-love is wrong Aristotle thought that self-love is perfectly right and proper. But we need to be very clear about what he meant by this.
In everyday conversations we generally describe people as 'loving themselves' if they are exceptionally selfish or vain. Aristotle recognised this: 'Those who make it a term of reproach call men lovers of self when they assign to themselves the larger share of money, honours or bodily pleasures.'
Self-love of this kind is plainly wrong. It is clearly not the kind of self-love Aristotle approved of. Indeed, he goes so far as to say that people who love themselves in this way do not really love themselves at all.
'Morally inferior' people are at variance with themselves, he said. They choose whatever is pleasant, even though it may be harmful. Or, out of 'cowardice or idleness', they neglect to do what is in their own interests. Far from being their own best friend, they are their own worst enemy:
'A bad man appears to be devoid of affection even for himself, because he has nothing loveable in his nature.... (therefore) we should do our utmost to shun wickedness and try to be virtuous. That is the way, both to be friends with ourselves and to win the friendship of others.'
When self-love is right So much for 'bad' people. But what about the good ones? In what sense do they love themselves?
Aristotle's answer is that we love ourselves in the proper sense when we pursue our own true good. This means making intelligent decisions rather than being buffeted by desires; having regard for long-term interests rather than acting on impulse; behaving with dignity and treating ourselves with respect.
The man who truly loves himself is his own best friend. He encourages himself to become the best that he can be. Therefore, the true self-lover will not behave selfishly. He knows that he cannot live a truly good life unless he has proper regard for his family, his friends and his community.
'The good man ought to be a lover of self, since he will then both benefit himself by acting nobly, and aid his fellows.'
Learning to love yourself Lots of self-help writers extol the virtues of loving yourself. I recently read a website, written by therapist Sarah Leah Blum. She said: 'We all need to love ourselves to have a full, healthy, balanced life.'
Aristotle would certainly agree. She then goes: 'Make the decision to love yourself in every moment - unconditionally - no matter what. Act and speak only in loving ways to yourself.'
This is quite common advice, but I don't think Aristotle would agree. He would point out that respect has to be earned, and that self-respect is no different.
Nobody is perfect. Most of us fall far short. But we can all benefit from Aristotle's advice:
We should do our utmost to shun wickedness and try to be virtuous. That is the way both to be friends with ourselves and to win the friendship of others.
