I'm a mother in my 50s. My daughter, in her 30s, has been sensitive about her appearance ever since she was a child. I think she is prettier than average. She is also well educated. But she quit her office job, saying that she was ugly and everybody was staring at her, and started to work at a bar, wearing heavy makeup.
Then she asked me again and again to agree to her having plastic surgery, as her customers said she has a strange face. I grudgingly agreed to her having work done only on her eyes. She was satisfied with the results at first, but then started to say she wants to get surgery for other parts on her face, too.
She blames me almost every day for having been "born with such a face" and says she never wants to marry with her current face. She is not ugly, despite what she says. Her younger sister looks like her, but the younger one enjoys her life, holding a job and a dating a boyfriend.
I think the older daughter has a problem not with her face but with her mind, and she should see a psychiatrist, not a cosmetic surgeon. But she remains defiant no matter how I try to appease her. At the same time, she seems to have no courage to go ahead and have plastic surgery without my consent.
M, Hyogo Prefecture
Reply
Dear Ms. M:
Women tend to think appearance is everything while young, but not everyone can become a woman of great beauty. We come to accept ourselves as we grow up, finding characteristics other than appearance to help us make our way in society.
Your daughter's continuing efforts to make her appearance the basis of her individuality show a kind of childishness. She channels her own irritation at being unable to know how she should live by putting the blame on you or having plastic surgery.
As she tries to get your approval for her having plastic surgery, I assume she still depends on you and obeys your decisions. I suspect she is torn between the desire to be a "good daughter" and a hope to be independent.
You will not be able to expect a lot from her seeing psychiatrist unless she does so of her own free will. Her dependence on plastic surgery will be alleviated once she finds what she really wants to do. I think it is important for you not to be overprotective and to try to build adult relations with her to allow her to be able to decide things about her herself.
