By Benson Ang

FOR one whole year, she did not touch her daughter, 12, and her son, 10, and vice-versa.

She would not allow them to hug her or even sit next to her, while fighting her maternal instincts to reach out to her flesh and blood.

She would cover her mouth whenever she spoke to them.

When she cooked meals for her family, she would wear plastic gloves.

She did not have sex in all that time with her understanding husband of 10 years.

Reason: Amy (not her real name), 37, was diagnosed with the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) in 2004 and feared she would pass it to her family members.

At the time, she harboured misconceptions about HIV and enforced her 'no-touching' rule for about a year.

'It's horrible for a mother to not touch her own children, but I was scared that they would get infected,' she said.

'When they tried to touch me, I just told them not to cling to me, even though I wanted to hug them.'

It was only after speaking to social workers at the Patient Care Centre and learning more about Aids and HIV that Amy began to loosen up.

She suspects she may have received tainted blood from an Indonesian hospital, where she gave birth to her second child.

She was given a transfusion after developing complications and losing a lot of blood.

Amy, who does not have acquired immunodeficiency syndrome, or Aids, told The New Paper that she is so glad to be able to hug her children again after her fears of passing on the virus were eased.

However, she still takes precautions, like not cooking for a few days when she cuts her finger.

She is still not comfortable telling her children about her condition.

When her children asked her about her HIV medication, which they discovered in the fridge, she told them that it was for her friend.

After that, she would remove the labels from her medication with a knife, and tell her children that they are her 'vitamins', which they shouldn't touch.

Amy also got her medical supplier to tell her kids the drugs are 'vitamins' when they tagged along once.

'I don't like to lie, but I think it's better that they don't know right now. I'll tell them one day, but not now.'

This was because she has had negative experiences after revealing her condition previously.

When she told her then best friend in Indonesia two years ago, she said the latter shunned her and wouldn't talk to her. They are no longer friends.

When she told her mother last year, the latter accused her of 'doing bad things'. They have not spoken since.

These experiences made Amy vow not to tell her children about her condition.

'I'm scared. I don't want to disappoint them. We can talk about sex and relationships, but not about this.

'When I jokingly ask them what they think of HIV victims, they say that only prostitutes and drug addicts get HIV.

'So I won't tell my children until I'm very confident that they won't reject people with HIV. Maybe when they are 16, when I've more opportunities to explain to them.'

She suspects her daughter knows, but does not confront her for fear of embarrassment.

'Sometimes, when I'm too tired to send her to school, she offers to walk (there) by herself.'

Her children are likely to be among the recipients of the One Life fund, which was launched on Monday and will be administered next March. (See report , above.)

The Indonesia-born Amy discovered she was HIV-positive in 2004 when she applied to become a permanent resident. She had done a blood test accompanied by her Singaporean husband.

She maintains she did not get HIV through sex because her husband, in his 50s, has tested negative and he is her 'first and only man'.

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