By Hedy Khoo

AT 29, this former drug addict has given up hope of living to a ripe old age.

He had injected himself with heroin using a needle which had been used by another addict.

And that person was infected with the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV).

In June, Rudi (not his real name) found out that he had caught the virus too.

He is among the 382 people diagnosed with HIV in the first 10 months of this year. No cure exists for HIV, which causes Aids, but anti-retroviral drugs can keep the virus at bay and prolong the life span of those infected.

Unlike many other HIV patients, Rudi feels he may not last long, as he has yet to start on any treatment.

He cannot afford the anti-retroviral drugs he needs now.

He admits he has only himself to blame because he had squandered all his money on his illegal drugs.

He was hooked on heroin, among other drugs, and used to share needles with fellow addicts.

'I have lost everything to my drug addiction. My wife, my home, my money, and now my life may soon end,' said Rudi.

'I got high on drugs, but now I am at the lowest point because I got HIV.'

Rudi, who also suffers from asthma, was admitted to a hospital last month when he woke up feeling breathless and had a sharp pain in his abdomen.

He said the doctors told him he had a stomach ulcer, as well as a weakened immune system.

'I feel as if I am a dying old man. Every day I feel sick and weak,' said Rudi, who earns $500 a month working part-time as a sound and lighting man for a friend's company.

'In the past I could work all day, but now, after just three hours of work, my whole body aches and I cannot breathe very well.

'I feel exhausted all the time.'

His mother and step-father who live in Johor are aware of his condition, but cannot do much to help him as they are financially strapped and ill themselves.

Rudi said he was jailed for taking heroin last year.

In June this year, he underwent HIV testing and discovered he was infected.

Rudi does not know exactly when he was infected, but thinks it must have been in the last 10 years when he experimented with all kinds of drugs, including heroin.

'I used to share needles with my friends who were also addicts and recently I learnt that some of them are also infected,' he said.

Rudi was released from jail two months ago, but is haunted by his past every day.

He said he cannot visit his mother in Johor as he needs to get permission from the Central Narcotics Bureau to travel.

(Page 1 of 2)Rudi recalled how, two days ago, his 68-year-old mother took a bus from Johor to meet him at a bus-stop in Kranji.

'We could meet only for two hours at the bus-stop and it was very hard to have to see her leave,' he said.

His mother cannot stay with him here as Rudi cannot afford to rent a place of his own, and is temporarily staying at a friend's flat.

He began taking drugs at age 16 in 1995, while studying in Johor. His family had moved there in 1986 when his father found a job there.

His father passed away and his mother remarried.

Rudi started with marijuana and progressed to heroin within three months.

He said: 'I was addicted though I kept telling myself I could stop any time I wanted to.'

He told his family about his addiction only in 1998 when he had to return to Singapore for his national service.

'My parents helped me go through a cold turkey treatment. It worked, and I managed to kick my habit before I came back to Singapore,' said Rudi.

Then he picked up his drug habits again, working as a waiter in nightclubs.

He also started to experiment with party drugs like ecstasy, ketamine and amphetamines.

Rudi said he lost many of the jobs he found because of his drug habits. He would fail to show up for work at times.

His girlfriend tried to persuade him to kick the habit, but he resisted.

In 2004, they got married, and he stopped taking drugs for a year.

'But I became an alcoholic instead, and after a year, I went back to any drugs I could lay my hands on,' said Rudi.

In 2006, his wife filed for divorce.

'She finally grew tired of my empty promises to quit my drug addiction and said she couldn't wait for me any more,' he said.

Still Rudi said he did not regret his drug addiction until this year when he discovered he was HIV-positive.

He said he now avoids his former drug addict friends.

'Some of them have HIV but they continue with their drug addiction because they want to escape the reality,' he said.

Rudi hopes that others can learn from his mistake.

'You think you can trust your friends, share needles and get high together. But you could also get HIV and spread it without knowing.'

This story was first published in The New Paper on Dec 14, 2008.