By Nur Dianah Suhaimi

Madam Mariam Abdullah, 80, is sick of being sick.

Since she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2005, she has gone for chemotherapy treatments and popped countless pills.

Now her doctors are saying that the cancer has spread and they cannot help her much unless she is willing to go for an operation to remove the cancerous tumour.

But she has decided to leave her fate to God. 'I don't want to go for an operation and I'm sick of going to the hospital. I've been going for treatments and taking bitter medicine but all for what? I'm still sick,' said the strong-willed great-grandmother of one.

She now takes the chemotherapy pills prescribed by her doctor. If they do not work, she is expected to have only six months to live.

Although she is aware her time is drawing near, Madam Mariam (above, with daughter Madam Rose Ismail) does not give the appearance of being worried or disturbed.

'Even if I don't die now, I still have to die some day. All living things will eventually die. Trees die, animals die. It's the way life is,' she said last Friday.

Her only child, Madam Rose Ismail, 62, wants her mother to go for the operation but she is aware there are risks involved. Because of her old age and frail health, the older woman might not survive the operation.

Said Madam Rose: 'I've been crying every night since I found out my mother is sick. I don't want her to die.'

The two have been inseparable since Madam Rose was born. Madam Mariam's husband, a Dutch soldier, died fighting in Indonesia's war of independence in 1948. She became a widow at age 20.

Life was difficult for the mother-daughter pair. Madam Mariam had to work as a maid and kitchen helper to raise her daughter.

Since she is too weak now to move around much, Madam Mariam spends her days in the confines of the four-room Tampines flat she shares with her daughter's family.

She passes the time by praying and reading the Quran. When she is lonely in the afternoons, she would lie down and think about her late relatives and friends.

"All my close friends are dead. I miss them. When they were around, we would visit one another and have so much fun,' she said.

While her needs are few, she has one last wish - to visit Mecca to perform the haj. But she knows she neither has the money nor the time.

'I'll just leave it to God. If I die tomorrow, then so be it.'

This story was first published in thesundaytimes on Nov 23, 2008.